To all of you who read this blog on a daily (well as often as I get it done anyway) basis, and to those of you who only read it occasionally, Merry Christmas, and a prosperous and Happy New Year. I, for one, am already having a Merry Christmas. One of my friends text me at just after 0300 this morning to wish my family and me a Merry Christmas. I was awake, I'd had a bit of a time around 0215, and was waiting to make certain it had all calmed down and I'd had a chance to make certain I'd all calmed down before taking the first of the daily drugs and first feed of the day. This time of the morning, when I'm awake, is the time I can see my wife off to work. To have that minute or two we can have as our own for the day. I love the feel of her hair, the way she smells, how she hugs me. We can't talk much, or we'll wake the oldest and my grandson, but we can give a hug and I get a pec on the cheek. My mouth is so messed up it wiped out my chance to give her a kiss. It's one of the plethora of things I've given up over the last year. To not be able to give her a kiss, and to only be able to share a bed with her for more than a couple of months in the past year, those two are the most egregious losses I've suffered.
But, it Christmas, it only comes once a year, except for me. I've always kind of thought every day was a gift, so Christmas is every day for me, on the gift side of the table at least. I said yesterday that I'd had some difficulty with the entire Holiday season. I didn't lie, and I won't go any further on the subject than this: Don't let events dictate how you feel about any particular time, ever. Events happen regardless of the time of year, your time of life, or time of the day for that matter. Good and bad things happen to people on a daily basis. It's no reason to condemn a Holiday, or even the Ides of March, (unless you're Julius Caesar, and you were warned buddy) for what happens to you personally. There, 'nough, said. This time of year should be, even if you're not a believer or are of a different religion, a time to at least look forward with your family. To see the potential that each one of us has, and to nurture that beginning with today. To believers, this is the celebration of the birth of the Savior, Jesus Christ. He lived his life, and sacrificed it to take away sin and be the one way to God. That's a pretty heady task in itself. He lived a very good philosophy, even if you're not a believer, or Christian. Love each other, don't hate, give thanks. Those are good things to achieve, regardless of what a person believes.
This year for me is a bit different than all the Fifty Three I've celebrated before this one. There's a high probability this will be my last. I was hoping for thirty to fifty more to celebrate before I hit that last one, but this is what I got dealt, so I'll play it. Truthfully, I'm more at peace with myself, even though my temper is still pretty close to the surface, and I'm not very patient with some people, overall I'm definitely more relaxed and at peace. I imagine that's pretty common for us terminally ill. We aren't in a bind to find some way to stay alive. Personally I don't want to try anything that's going to make me sick, and in the end only give me a couple more weeks or months at best. I'm more at peace with myself because as I watch my family, I'm not as worried as I was about their being able to take care of themselves after I'm gone. I don't just mean monetarily, I mean as a family unit. I see in them a lot of strength. It's different types of strength in each of them, but together they are going to make a fabulously strong family. I knew they were strong prior to my getting the Terminal Velocity prognosis, but I was worried they might fragment off and not pool all their strengths together. I see that was an underestimation on my part. They are stronger already, and will continue to grow that way. I'm very proud of them all.
I'm more relaxed, probably because I am not worried about what's coming. I know how this ends, and the only thing I have to worry about is doing that part with a little dignity and some grace. I hope I can achieve both of those things. It seems to me we have so few choices that are left to us, without some kind of damn government rule, dictating the direction we should go, that dying is the one thing I hope they leave the hell alone. I've never been much on suicide, since most often it's done it robs the family of reason, and leaves them with questions and guilt. In painful terminal illness like ALS, I'm not so certain that should be a problem, though. I'm more relaxed and at peace because I've got a supportive family. I know it hurts them to see me down and sliding a bit farther down all the time. It would me, I know, and my family is filled with better people than I am. I'm more relaxed and at peace with myself because I've got a ton of supportive friends. They humble me by telling me I inspire them. They strengthen me by being friends, and when I'm gone I won't worry about my family, because they will be there for them as well.
Lets wrap this little Christmas Soiree up so we can enjoy our families and make a memory with them, what do ya say?
The two gifts that I got this year are the same ones I get every year, and I don't thank enough for them
My family: The Best Gift I've ever gotten. From my family in Kansas, to my here in Texas, headed up by the lovely and courageous Liz, to my Aunts and Uncles and Cousins. Thank you for being a big part of my life, as well as letting me share mine with all of you
My Friends: I've got way more than I ever thought I had, and that's a wonderful feeling. I've got a core group of friends I've had for over Thirty years. You guys know who you are, you're more like family, so I probably should have counted you in with my family. I've gained a lot of friends over the years, and gotten reacquainted with others in the last five years. I count myself damn lucky, believe me, to have so many support me in this long run "home". You're a blessing, each and every one of you. and you'll always hold a special place in my heart
That's it. The only two gifts that I think count. At least for me. The other things I've gotten over the years have been wonderful, I've loved them all in their own way. Family and Friends though, those are the two gifts that simply can't be replaced.
Merry Christmas to all of you!!! Thank you so much for your support, it's wonderful
