Boy howdy! Sometimes sleep just ain't gonna be there regardless of how badly I want it to be there. I thought I'd try an sleep in my own bed last night. It's a nice place to sleep, all soft and comfortable. I'm not sure why it wasn't so happy a place last night, and that could have been a coincidence, but I woke up coughing. That went on for sometime, then when I got myself all settled down and ready to go to sleep, I was wide awake. Honestly I think it was 70% bed, 30% me. After all, I end up on my right side when I sleep in the bed. That cuts down on the hacking, or used to, but also makes it a bit uncomfortable in the long run. I end up trying to work out a way that I can sleep in the bed, and bring all the other drugs I'm supposed to take to good use. That gets harder to do. So I end up back in the recliner, where I can drop off and not even notice I've done it. Like this morning. Wide awake at 0330, did my drug business, sat down at 0425 to feed. I didn't make it to feeding time. I fell right to sleep and didn't wake up until 0505. NOW I can feed and sit around awaiting time to take a shower and get ready for my day. I would have rather gone to SBucks to have coffee with my buddies, but that wasn't how it was going to work this morning. Rats.
So, I wrote about how Monday was a really good day until around 1100. Yesterday was weird. Normally my voice is really soft now, and kind of raspy. Yesterday it was like puberty all over again. I'd have flashes of a really strong voice, followed by long moments where I'd just as soon had kept my mouth shut. Weird. In some ways weird. In other ways probably not. I know that it's more difficult for me to speak where people can understand me, including family. So I talk less and write way more. Why? Because it's frustrating for both of us if I'm hard to understand. And I hear "I'm sorry, I didn't get that" an awful lot. It's okay, because it's not your fault if you can't understand me. In my mind I hear it perfectly clearly. Unfortunately it comes out all garbled and shit. It's frustrating for the person I'm talking with, and about half embarrassing for myself. Yeah yeah yeah, I know. I shouldn't be embarrassed by something I can't change readily. But I get that way, so there.
The rest of the day wasn't so weird. It's more like it was last week. I wore out quickly, was short of breath, got cramps (more water, bozo), and hurt just a little more. I was back at an 8 early on in the day, but like usual that backs off and settles in about a 4. Yesterday it settled in around a 6. So yes, I took some extra pain meds and it finally laid down all together, and stayed that way until this morning when I woke up from sleep and coughing, and nap, where it's about a 6 now. I took some pain meds first thing when I did the daily drug regimen, so I got a jump on the pain this morning. Not a bad thing. I will start doing that. I know that this is going to be part of the course the cancer is running, and I'm going to have to cheat my way around just to keep it simmering on the back burner. I feel, though, like it's just waiting to make another big run at growth. I've not felt that in a while, so I'm fairly certain the odds are in the cancer's favor. We'll see, though, maybe I've scared it. HA!
People still tend to look at me funny. I do have that kinda "stare at me" visage. But the adults are the ones that crack me up. Kids, they don't give a shit, and they'll flat out ask what happened to me. I have to be careful with the kids though. I don't want to lie, and I don't want to get too technical either. Riding that thin line is sometimes a challenge. "I got sick, and to help make me get better they had to do a lot of surgery and take out a lot of parts in my mouth." That tends to work pretty well with most kids. I get a lot of follow up like "Will you get better?", No, I won't get any better. "Wow, that's too bad", the it's off to play. Adults would serve themselves better it they acted more like kids around me. Some get very self righteous "I guess that will teach you for not living a Christian lifestyle". Odd, you're being a judgmental prick, I wonder why God hasn't struck you down as well? That tends to slow them up just a bit. Adults tend to think they have all the answers, where as kids are pretty sure they don't have the right answers up in the tree house. Often, though, they do have the right questions. And are pretty damn direct with them. Bless their little hearts, I hope I can answer their questions about what happens to me without scaring them. I know that my own grandson and I get along better every day. Mostly because we are used to one another. I know he can understand a little of what I say, but not everything, and isn't afraid to look me in the eye and say "I can't understand what you're saying". No sweat, I write it out for him.
It's getting close the time of year when I got diagnosed and went on Short Term Disability. Yep, one year ago around November 1. Crazy how time flies. I need to get back out to my field office with cupcakes or something to celebrate. It's hard to believe it's been a year. I was, at the time, figuring that chemotherapy would stop it flat out again. Turns out no, it's used to that stuff, and all the chemo did was make me miserable and shrink the tumor in my throat down enough so I didn't choke to death in the interim. I was still pretty gung ho a few weeks down the road when the explained about the surgery. The doc even explained how if they didn't get it all, that there wasn't much they could do for me this time, since I'd had so much radiation the first time. He explained how all that would be left was palliative care. He also said that had a pretty thin chance of happening. Turned out that the thin chance came back around to visit and set itself in motion. The rat bastard. Oh well, this is what it is, and there's no use in cursing the dark because I forgot my candle. Life goes on. Sometimes it goes on for me pretty damn well, other times it goes on for me like a truck load of bullshit. It just keeps piling up. You'd think it would topple, wouldn't you? Anyway, it's back, it's almost a year later, and my time is slipping away faster than I'd like it to. I'd like to wake up one morning, be able to swallow anything, not bleed for a day or two and be able to move around very freely without help. THAT would be cool. I dream of that once in a while. Not often, but enough to want to keep waking up so I can prove him wrong.
Book of Rock: "This is too hard, I can't do it". There's a load of bullshit for ya. Sure, sometimes there are things that can't be fixed. They are usually things out of our control. Most stuff though, we can fix, or work through, or go around. First you have to use that lump on top of your neck for something other than a hat rack. Think first. Sort out the problem in priorities and got at it a bit at a time. Generally, it can be fixed. But saying it's "Too Hard" kills that chance before you even get started.
Enjoy watching a bit of nature today. Yes, nature includes people. We are the funniest creatures on God's green earth. Need a laugh, watch people]
Yep, hugs and shit, still
