My sleep patterns are still jacked up. Maybe that's why the music is stuck. When I am on my regular sleep, though, I still wake up two or three times during the night to clear the trach tube. So it's never really a complete nights sleep, just more hours in a row than I'm getting now. I feel pretty rested, I just have to have a nap. Part and parcel of the cancer getting bigger? Good question, if I find an answer I'll let ya know.
"What's it all about, Alfie". Like Alfie was a staggering genius. I don't think any one knows what it's all about. It's the act of finding out what pieces of the puzzle are that's the fun part. It we knew what it was all about, the mystery and fun would run out of life, wouldn't it? Back in the 1800's science was just absolutely sure that a human body couldn't stand the force of going Forty MPH for an extended period of time. It would drive the mind insane and cause the body to shut down. Ooops, bad math. There was some of that same thought into the late 30's about the sound barrier and beyond. Once again, bad math apparently. Since I work in the oil field, I suppose you all should know that it's been predicted the earth would run out of oil in 1935. No, 1956. Damn, 1977. Dammit! 1992. Well, you can see that it's not all about running out after all, is it? Like we were supposed to be in an ice age at this point. Then, in the 1980's when that didn't happen, suddenly we are in a warming trend. Unprecedented in world history. Bullshit, at one point Alaska was mostly vast field of tall grass, there were ferns in Colorado. It's been far hotter and far colder in the history of the world, according to science. It seems like they don't know any more of what it's all about than I do. I know, I know, where would we be without science. Pitifully miserable is where. I wouldn't have lived through the first cancer round without it. We wouldn't live as comfortably or eat as well as we do without it either. It's a good thing. Not the end all cure all. But a very good thing none the less.
So I sit here, without a lot to do, hoping the wrinkles in the gray matter don't smooth over watching the drivel on the tube and wonder what it's all about. How the hell would I know! I'm not a genius! HA!
I think we all wonder that from time to time. I also think each answer is dependent upon the person's experience, beliefs, and general out look on their life. The less pleasant any of those are for them, the more their thought of what it's all about is going to be darkened. The better their experience, the better their thoughts of what it's all about are going to form.
I'm so easy to please, What it's all about is pretty simple for me. If you're happy, that's what it's about. The act of getting from Point A to Point B, even if you have to go through Z, M and O first is just part of the adventure. I have an "Oh hell, it could be worse" attitude, because in almost all cases, it could be worse. I'm terminal, no two ways about it, I'm gonna die. But it could be worse. I could have not had the time to get things in the works to be settled for the family. I could have just keeled over in the waiting room. I could have had way more of me carved off. The list goes on and on. For me, What It's All About is easy to find. I like stuff. Almost anything. I'm not afraid to try something new. I'm not fearful of any man on two feet because the worst they can do is kill me. I find a lot of things fun to do. From riding the Fat Girl, to sitting alone in the early morning. I like to work. I enjoyed doing my job, and that made it fulfilling. I can't imagine working someplace that made me a miserable bastard all the time, without finding something or someplace better and quitting. Bitching about a job is about a waste of time and energy. Don't like it, find something and go do that. If you hate your job your making someone else miserable who may find they really like what they are doing. Now you've become a damn drag and no one likes that.
It's not all about cash or material things either. Oh yeah, I've got some toys, and there aren't any of them I wouldn't sell in a heart beat. I was making pretty good money. We used that to have fun with the family and ourselves, Liz and I. We worked so we could. I used my Anadarko retirement to pay some bills and go to Scotland with the two youngest kids. Some people thought I was crazy. "What will you do when your old and have to retire?". Oh, work until I can't and not say "Well, fuck, I should have gone to Scotland instead of saving this retirement". I've not been very frugal, but I also don't have a lot of "Dammit!! Why didn't I....." moments either. A day or so ago I'd mentioned I'd never been to a Pro Football game. True, I've not. It'd be neat once, maybe. But not all that neat. I'm not a fan of crowds at all. Never have been. In the long run, I'm not missing much personally. I've never been to a strip club either. Seen one boob you've seen em both. Eventually they just start to look like boobs, and I've seen a lot of boobs. Not to say I wouldn't like to see more. I just hate to pay to see em. It's pretty rough not to laugh when a baby laughs, isn't it? I've almost choked to death when a well dressed lady was lecturing me on wearing a helmet and yada yada yada, then in the middle of her rant farts. Gotta love that stuff
HA!!! I lied! I DO know "What it's all about". It's about whatever. Whatever makes you happy. That's what it's all about. If being an asshole makes you happy (and I think it does some people) then be one. Don't expect a lot of people to hang around, but by all means be an assshole. If helping others makes you happy, do that. Some folks are only happy when they are bitching about something. Go ahead with that, I don't have to listen to you. Same thing with downer people. You've got to live your life in the manner that best suits you. Just remember, I don't have to put up with anything I don't like. Mostly because I don't wanna. If you're easily offended, don't hang around me. Free speech is just that. I temper mine to suit me and me alone, I won't apologize for anything I say, so don't ask. I don't recall any of us having the right to be free from offending remarks.
So there, that's it. Once you decide to live as you want to live, life gets really simple. People of a like mind will become your friends. You'll settle in with a partner that thinks as you do, and that's a wonderful thing to have. Even when you disagree, it's a good thing, you've found someone that thinks.
Have fun today in whatever it is you're planning. Makes no difference what that is. If it's not fun, find a way to make it fun. (Who hasn't driven a riding mower thinking they were at Indy?)
